Birthday part one

This weekend, my parents came to town for Easter and to celebrate my birthday. I chose a theme (midcentury dinner party) and my sister and mom came up with a surprise menu.
We started with some retro appetizers and cocktails- mai tais with sweet + sour meatballs and pigs in blankets (which are my favorite in any century).

Then we cracked this open...

My parents had this bottle that they were saving for a special occasion. I was so honored that my 30th birthday turned out to be the occasion.

We dressed for dinner...

The menu was Steak Diane with iceberg wedge salads and old school yeast rolls. No pictures of that but believe me when I say it was delicious. My parents also shared an excellent cabernet from their wine collection.

And then...CAKE. This cake is what my family has for every occasion. We refer to it as "the best f'ing cake ever" because when we first had it at a baby shower, we overhead a woman ask, "Have you  tried the cake? It's the best fucking cake ever." We tried the cake. And it was. But until this weekend there had never been a sophisticake ordered in my honor, and my parents brought it all the way from home. I was thrilled.

And there were presents (IPAD! I'm a somebody now). My sister and brother in law also got me an excellent starter kit for my home bar. I cannot wait to learn to make my own Manhattans so I don't have to depend on my sister's husband to mix them for me.

It was such an awesome day and it made me feel so special. I'm thankful to have been able to celebrate with the people who love me most. 

Today I run/walked 3.5ish miles on the treadmill and then met a couple of girlfriends for lunch. We had paninis at a place in town I've been wanting to try, at a cute window table that looked out on The Cupcake Bar, which I had also been wanting to try, so after lunch the three of us headed across the street. Cupcakes and coffee on a Tuesday afternoon? Yes please.

Amaretto sour and chocolate peanut butter. A perfect sweet little treat. It was such a nice way to spend a sunny afternoon. 

So clearly this has not been an excellent week, diet and lifestyle-wise. I've made some very questionable food choices and slacked a little bit on exercise. But I am in full celebration mode right now and I give myself permission to spend a week just maintaining instead of losing. I will take a tiny gain on the scale if I must. Time with friends and family, celebrating my life with the ones I love- totally worth a pound or two. Especially when there's cake involved. 

Plans

This evening I decided that I needed to STFU with my birthday whining and just make it special for ME, so I bought a plane ticket to New York. A relatively spontaneous act + an awesome city + a very special friend seems like a perfect way to ring in my third decade of life. I cannot wait to celebrate like it's 2005 and we still look like this:

More big news: today I ran and walked 8 miles. It was so cool the finish the sixth mile and realize that every single step was a personal distance record. By the end I was totally spent but it was so worth it. I remember when running 90 seconds was hard. It wasn't so long ago. Finisher face:

Another reason why my friends are hilarious and keep me going in life...moments after yesterday's post went up, I got this special text from Shanna, who never fails to crack me up and always knows which buttons to push:

I just feel great today. I just feel great. 

Lazy days and loving myself

Today I had a lazy day off. I didn't necessarily plan it that way- it was more of a bi-product of an extended sushi and wine date with my girlfriends last night. Blame it on my healthier lifestyle, my decreasing body weight, or my advancing age- I cannot put away a bottle of wine like I used to and I was feeling the effects this morning. I slept as late as I felt like sleeping and then once I finally got out of my pj's around 1 p.m., I headed to the trail for a brisk three miles. I like running that same trail a couple times a week because I can see progress in how long it takes me from start to finish- today was my best time yet, even with a hangover!

I also ran some errands, namely picking up some deodorant because I was fresh out - I ran without it! If you've known me for any length of time you know that I am a bit of a sweater and somehow my armpit sweat resists most deodorant- like, even if the antiperspirant properties work, what little sweat is produced still smells. Gross, right? I know. Thankfully, it was cold and windy enough that there wasn't much sweating and it evaporated immediately. The bad news, though, is that the one deodorant that I've repeat-bought for the last several months because somehow it totally agrees with my body chemistry doesn't exist at Target anymore and maybe doesn't exist at all. Dammit. So I'm trying a new one and I'm nervous. 

I spent a few more hours just dicking around, catching up on blog reading, showering and applying aforementioned deodorant, etc. This evening I tried yoga with a new instructor even though it's no secret that I have a giant man-crush on the instructor whose class I usually go to. This class was awesome though- it was a basics class and there were alot of true beginners there who inspired me with their bravery. The teacher was very gentle but also encouraging, and I liked her style alot, plus she played an eclectic mix of music that made me smile. I'm a big believer in smiling occasionally while you exercise, even if you have to make yourself do it. It gives you a burst of energy, I promise. Try it. 

When I got home I got to thinking how funny it is that my "lazy day off" involved not one but two forms of exercise. I used to struggle with what the hell to do with myself on my days off, and I suffered a fair bit of guilt over usually doing nothing at all. I might spend an entire day and reading blogs on the couch, eating snacks, maybe some light shopping or a movie (with popcorn!) if I needed to get out of the house. I'm not saying I don't still spend plenty of QT with the couch or that I'll never eat movie popcorn again, but I'm so pleased that I seem to have finally made an enjoyable routine out of exercise. Yes, I still struggle with getting out the door, but re-discovering two activities I once loved- running and yoga- has brought so much pleasure and satisfaction to my leisure time. I'm thankful that I have the leisure time to pursue this stuff, and to really work on me. 

I did some reflecting about the concept of "me-time" today, sparked by a conversation I had with my friends last night (well, one of them- the other one was exhausted from too much work and too much wine and snoozed on my couch while we talked until 1 in the morning). I was talking about feeling frustrated that I just haven't really met any single men around here, the same old song and dance about why aren't there any good men out there, etc. My friend told me that if I felt that way, I needed to "put myself out there," the same old song and dance about internet dating, trying new activities, joining a sports league, etc etc. The things that people in relationships tell you to do, the conversation that usually includes the phrase "it happens when you least expect it." Kill me. I never want to hear that phrase again (though my friend, to her credit, didn't say it). Anyway, I found myself getting defensive, and telling her that I don't want to join a kickball team or a club or sign up for eharmony. I just don't want to, and I don't want to have to, and I just want someone to notice me and appreciate me and love me for the independent and self-sufficient person that I am. And she basically told me that I was being ridiculous because if I really wanted a relationship I would be willing to go out of my way to find one and then change my own life to make it work. And I was offended. Bend over backwards to find a man and then change my life for him? No. That's crazy. I'm more modern than that. I like my life the way it is. And my friend, and this is why I love her, told me that if I wasn't willing to do that then I probably didn't actually want to be in a relationship and wasn't ready for it anyway,  and I should stop whining about it and just live my life. 

She is so right. 

Yes, of course I want to feel appreciated and loved and validated. I want to feel that I'm attractive to strangers and potential partners, like someone could just organically see something in me that's worth falling in love with. I haven't felt that way in so long. But the thing is that everyone wants that- married, single, gay, straight, old, young. It doesn't make me special or romantic or needy or pathetic. It just makes me human. And it doesn't preclude me from doing the things that do make me worthy of love and validation, the things that I enjoy and that make me feel (and look!) attractive to myself and to men. And if I'm not at a point where I want to join an f'ing kickball team to meet some duders, that is OK! It doesn't mean I'm not trying hard enough. It just means I'm enjoying my life the way it is, and I have other priorities- namely, ME. 

Sunday night, minus the angst

After Friday evening's post about my sads, I went to bed early and tried to shake it off.

Yesterday I went to yoga, as usual on a Saturday, and the instructor asked me if I had any requests for the class. I said, "anything that will distract me from the outside world." He asked what was up and I told him that I had been contemplating my very mixed feelings about turning 30. What struck me most was that almost before I could get the words "I'm turning 30" out of my mouth, he cut me off with a huge "Congratulations!" I loved that he reacted as though this were a victory and not something to dread. He told me that in his work with the elderly, he has asked them what age they'd like to revisit. "They never say '29,'" he told me. When class started, I focused on my usual intention ("be brave") but it had a different meaning this time. Bravely facing a new decade. Bravely stepping out of my 20's. Bravely admitting that most of my 20's were not actually the best. After class, a woman I hadn't realized was listening to my conversation with the instructor sought me out. "You're going to love your 30's," she said. "I'm two years in, and it just gets better and better. You're going to love it." And then I got in my car and cried a little, not out of fear or sadness, but because these people were so kind to reassure a total stranger, and because I believed them! My 30's are going to be the best, bravest years yet. When I think about the progress I have made from just one year ago, I can only believe it's going to be an upswing from this point forward. It's such a total relief to feel my energy shift from negative to positive on this.

Unfortunately, a miscommunication with friends meant that my plans for Saturday evening were not what I intended, which was disappointing. But I probably needed a day to be a little bit still, and take it moment by moment. I met my sister and her husband and boys for a few beers at one of Durham's institutions, Fullsteam Brewery, which is sort of a bar/town square/meeting place for all sorts of people and activities. It was a warm and breezy day and all the doors were open, and we had a nice time catching up and tasting pretty much every beer. At the end of the day, I realized it had turned out to be what I might have listed as my ideal day: weight watchers meeting, coffee, a bit of shopping, yoga, beers with people I love, two (2!) meals from Whole Foods hot bar, and a good movie (please see this with an open mind). I went to bed without setting an alarm. A perfect day.

Today, St Patrick's day, is always a bit of a day of reflection for me. It's hard to believe it's been five years since my crazy old grandma died, an event which affected me greatly and set alot of positive things into motion for me. She and I had a complicated relationship, but I hope she'd be proud of me today, even though the only three things she ever wanted for me were a clear complexion, and slim physique, and a good man. I'm working on it, Grandma, I promise.

Sads

I just have a bad case of the sads tonight. Nothing is wrong that I can quantify- I actually had a great week at work, overtime and all. I haven't given last week's wait-list shocker much thought at all. I've kept on track with my eating for the most part. I even had a fun weeknight dinner out with friends last night. All in all, things are moving right along. One of my supervisors even forwarded me an email with some totally unsolicited and super positive feedback from a coworker. Life is pretty good, friends.

But still I feel a little sad. Is it because my 30th birthday is looming? I really, really don't want to be a girl who freaks out over turning 30. I've always had a pretty healthy view on aging, I think. When I really whittle it down, it's not turning 30 that makes my chest hurt- it's thinking about how I'll celebrate. I put so much pressure on birthdays to make me feel special and I can never seem to capture the feeling I'm looking for. Isn't that so silly? Even sillier: I never really celebrated my 21st birthday, and I still regret it a little.

I'm not trying to whine. Not at all. I want to choose to celebrate this milestone because I want to choose not to mope about it. I think that's what's putting pressure on the situation. And then I still feel mopey. Am I normal? I don't know. I don't have answers. I only have feelings.

The interesting this is that when I was working through these things this week, all I wanted was to have the time to get on the treadmill or on the yoga mat. Working overtime this week meant I only had one day for workout out and I missed it. I actually missed it. That's major progress.

On the weight loss agenda: weigh in in the morning, followed by yoga. It's supposed to be an absolutely beautiful spring day so maybe I'll squeeze in a walk or easy jog? I think I need it to clear my head.

Weekend in review

This was a weekend full of highs and lows. Last week I had an excellent week at work- let's just say I was a total hit with managers and coworkers alike, and I suddenly remembered why I love doing this job. I was just getting ready to wrap up my week on Friday evening and head over to a friend's house for some wine when I got an email informing me that I had been placed on the waitlist for the master's program I applied to. This was a huge shock, considering I'd been admitted to the same program once before- I declined because I wasn't emotionally or professionally ready to begin, and I had more important life work to do (though I didn't know that part until later). Instead of allowing me to defer my admission, I was required to re-apply for this year, but I honestly still thought it was in the bag. I guess I was wrong. Yes, I may still be admitted and all is not lost, but it was such a blow to my ego. With my 30th birthday looming, I feel like I just don't have any wiggle room in terms of the timing of my plans, and it's so disappointing to suddenly realize that your perfect plan isn't necessarily in your control anymore.

I was so glad I had already decided to stop by my friend Kaitlyn's house on my way home because I needed some girl time and some distraction. She happened to be in the midst of baking a beautiful cake for a wedding, so I helped her a tiny bit in the kitchen but mostly watched and chatted and ate delicious cake trimmings. As you can see, she's incredibly talented.

The company and the white noise from the KitchenAid were soothing, but I still felt so bummed. Still, I have to give myself credit- what I really wanted to do was buy myself a bunch of stuff at Target and then eat my feelings while conducting a review of my purchases. I didn't do that. That was a victory.

More victory on Saturday morning when my weigh-in was a big fat -3.4 lbs, bringing my grand total to  -31.4 lbs on Weight Watchers and -38.6 lbs total. This is a huge thing to be proud of, and I am. I marched myself right over to Kohl's, where I bought a couple of new workout tops as a little pick-me-up, and then to yoga. I felt great while I was on the mat, and made some more big strides towards headstand...but then when I got back out in the daylight, I had a hard time keeping the "om," and I just felt angsty all over again. A beer with friends helped a little, but I woke up this morning still feeling pretty disillusioned. At this point I  had to question myself- was I still upset about the waitlist situation? Was it more than that? Was it nothing? I couldn't even tell. I couldn't get out of my own way.

So I was not in a very good headspace for the 6-mile run/walk that was on the schedule today. Furthermore, I had decided today was the day to take my show on the road- literally run outside. I was going to do two laps on a hilly three-mile loop. The first lap was tough, I probably didn't pace myself well and I wasn't used to the hills. It was my first time running outside in years, I rationalized, and the longest distance I had run ever, and I shouldn't expect myself to make so many big jumps in one day, etc, and so I was all set to give myself a pass and just...well, let's call it what it is...QUIT. But then I didn't. I just kept going. And I finished. When it was all said and done, I was a little disappointed that I didn't manage all the intervals- I had to walk through some of them. But I finished.

What I really wanted after all of that was a shamrock shake, but then I thought back to the last time I had one. A time in my life when I would order milkshakes with abandon for no real reason- like, say, to keep me company in Wal-mart. And I remembered that at that time in my life, I looked like this:

So instead I had a tiny portion of frozen yogurt with crushed pretzels and a tiny drizzle of peanut butter topping and hot fudge  (you know it was tiny if it only cost $2.50 at the by-the-ounce place). 

Still not a healthy treat, but I felt much more in control than I would have with a 560 calorie cup of minty HFCS and a straw.

I did feel a little more relaxed after my victorious workout and my little treat. I'm still a little bit angsty but I think it's just the normal Sunday night kind. A bit of cruel irony is that I signed up for overtime this week and next week so that I could pay the deposit when I was admitted to the master's program- so now I have two grueling weeks coming up with no purpose- or at least, their purpose is in limbo for the moment.

At the end of a emotional few days, more than anything I am thankful for my family and my friends, the people who love me and encourage me and hold me up, no matter what kind of significant or insignificant shit I'm going through. My favorite mantra, "be brave," has been more useful than ever this weekend- standing on my head, completing that second lap, looking into the future towards 30 with no concrete idea what's next. The people who love me and big dose of bravery are all I have to get me through, and you know what? It's enough.

Sanctuaries. And my haircut.

I was so disappointed when I left the salon today. She did alllll these layers around my face and I totally felt like I had The Rachel, circa 1996. You know, picture this one, but with side bangs:

But I took some pictures of myself and worked it out. The one of me smiling is because I realized it wasn't The Rachel, and it really just looks like my hair always did, but without the fried ends. 

I went to a yoga class this evening with my favorite teacher, but at a location I'd never been to before. When I walked in, I was disappointed- there were spin bikes all pushed up against the front wall and a big TRX frame right in the center of the room, forcing me to put my mat right between a steel beam and a row of kettlebells. It was drafty rather than warm and toasty. Not very zen. I resigned myself to a less than stellar class and figured I just wouldn't come to this location anymore.

The Universe, as usual, proved me wrong. We spent extra time in "upside-down" poses, which are usually pretty uncomfortable for me. I read somewhere a long time ago that if certain yoga poses, like inversions or backbends, are difficult or uncomfortable it's because they are opening areas that store difficult emotions for you as an individual. I like to think that's true. I don't know what I store that's released when I'm upside down, but there's something about it that makes me a little fight-or-flighty. But tonight I made huge progress in plow and crow and even worked a little further towards headstand. I felt very brave. At the end, the teacher read my mind and summed it up perfectly: "it's not pretty green grass that makes a sanctuary, it's the state of your mind." I was sure that I was going to fail because I didn't like the room I was practicing in, but once I was able to focus and quiet my mind, that drafty room became a sanctuary. I'm going to try to take that lesson with me through the rest of my workweek. 

Oh, and P.S.: After my run this morning, I saw a RIDICULOUS number on the scale. So close to being under 200. I'm excited. 

Weekend news

So for starters, my weigh in on Saturday was NOT good news. I stayed the same. No loss, no gain. It could be worse, I know. On my sister's advice, I re-read my blog entry from Friday about how confident I was that if my weight didn't change it was for some silly reason. The reason was this:

Sushi dinner with a friend on Friday night. The cruel irony was that I rarely use soy sauce, but for some reason it just sounded so good that time...I tried to keep it to a minimum but after the sodium + wine bolus, there was no hope for the scale. I shook it off. Better luck next time. 

I spent the rest of the weekend with my family. I feel like I've gotten to spend a ton of time with my parents this winter and I'm super thankful for that. I know they really come just to see the grandsons, but I'm glad I get to be a part of it too. :) 

Tomorrow is a day off and I have big plans. A run, a yoga class, clean up my mother f'n pigsty of a bedroom, aaaaaand get a haircut. Right now I have this super weird long mop that hasn't been cut since October [real time photo taken just this minute]:

I'm hoping I can keep the length, lose the split ends, and maybe come away with an actual style...too much to ask, do you think? After pictures tomorrow...

Legit chest sweat

I haven't done much today besides knock out 4 miles on the treadmill. I guess I better come clean about how ridiculously slow I am: running and walking, my pace averaged about 13:30. I'm not ashamed of that. I'm just starting out, I'm still carrying alot of extra bodyweight, and running is hard. A mile's a mile. Slow is the new fast. Etc. When I was done, I had some crazy chest sweat:

The chest sweat made me feel LEGIT until it occurred to be that maybe it's gross and I should feel embarrassed? 

This picture is a good example of something I'm noticing lately. When I was at my heaviest, it's striking in pictures how much smaller my eyes and smile looked, because my cheeks and chins were crowding my features. One of my weight loss turning points was realizing that not even my face was pretty anymore. That was when I started hiding from cameras. It's why there are almost no pictures of me on facebook, not even just my face, from the year 2012. But now my face is starting to look proportional again. I used to joke that the reason I don't have any wrinkles is because I have a layer of subcutaneous fat. Sometimes I wonder if I'll start to age when my face starts to thin down. But then I remember I'd rather be wrinkled than fat. 

I'm weighing in tomorrow and there's no reason it shouldn't be good news, unless my hard workouts and sore muscles this week cause me to retain a little water. Either way I won't be upset because I know I've done great this week and if I go up or stay the same, it'll just be for some silly reason. If I keep doing what I'm supposed to be doing, it will all come out right in the end. 

Dirty mirror progress pics

I like to take pictures of myself. Go ahead, look at the camera roll on my phone, you'll see. It's not really a vanity thing. It's because, no matter what my weight at any given time, I just don't have a clear sense of what my body looks like. I never have. That might be part of why I let myself get so overweight in the first place- I just don't have a good concept of my own body. Also, I tend to gain weight first and lose it last in my lower body- the part you don't necessarily see in your routine bathroom mirror situation. Anyway, the mirror pictures help me understand what I really look like to other people, though of course sometimes that's good news and sometimes it's bad news. Today I bring you some of these pictures, if you'll kindly excuse the dirty full length mirror and bad lighting.

On the left is a picture of me from this past summer, I think that was in July or August, and I had just woken up and was on my way to the gym. I was living in a hotel room, working nights as a travel nurse, going through a weird breakup, and it showed all over my face and body. My posture, my facial expression...the best word to describe that era of my life was and always will be "miserable."

On the right, me on my way to the gym this morning, six months or so later. Similar outfit, similar time of day. But SO DIFFERENT. Not even the weight, which is about a 30 pound difference, but the whole presence. Totally different. I didn't even take this picture with the intention of putting it alongside the first one- it was just a routine mirror picture as I headed out the door. But the difference blows my mind. And I got my waist back, it seems. Hooray!

In the weight department this week, I'm happy to report that my naked first-thing-in-the-morning weight is dangerously close to being under 200. The last time I remember being under 200 was about 2 years ago...one of the last times I weighed myself before I started avoiding the scale and really letting things get out of control. I can't wait to see a number starting with "1" on the scale. I don't know what I'll do. Cry, maybe. Tears of joy.

So come on, ask me

Ask me if I went to the gym after work. I'll tell you the truth: no I did not. I have no excuses, just that I thought better of it. I'm still excited to conquer working out after work but I think it's smartest to do it on a day when I don't have to go back to work the next morning. For sleep's sake.

The good news is that I earned three activity points just running my butt around at work today. This day was a real shit sandwich. A day where I really kind of wanted to rise above, be the bigger person, take the high road, etc., but also I really wanted to punch someone (hey, hold out your face). It was just one thing after another, nothing that I can particularly blame anyone for, which sometimes makes it worse. Even as I sit here now I'm hearing phantom call bells and IV pumps beeping in the back of my head.

My eating was a little weird today. I ate alot of points but nothing felt satisfying, even though there were lots of power foods in the mix. I think it might have been because I ate a frozen meal for lunch. I rely on them on workdays because I'm just not good at planning ahead. Some of them really have no substance. I wish I could execute a plan to have healthy, filling leftovers for lunch on work days. Maybe someday I'll be that self-actualized.

I'm determined that tomorrow will be a better day and that I WILL find myself on the treadmill at this time tomorrow night. One thing that should help: my skinny scrubs are in the wash and will be ready for wearing.

A moderately attractive human.

Good news, you guys. Today, for the first day in oh, say, maybe a year or maybe more, I felt like a normal-sized, moderately-attractive human. It was partly because I finally bought a pair (why did I only buy one pair?) of scrubs that fit properly. And it should be noted that I didn't realize how BIG my size XXL scrubs were on me (and how big a size XXL is in general) until I tried on a size XL and they were still too big and then I tried on a size L and they fit...

So I didn't feel dumpy and frumpy at work like usual. It put an extra spring in my step. Even in scrubs with my hair in a bun, I felt reasonable pretty. It was hard to believe. 

I know with my logical brain that I've lost all this weight but I didn't really feel all that much smaller. Until the past week or so when I've just...shrank. Like the inches caught up with the pounds. Everything is suddenly a little bit tighter and more compact. Well, except my boobs. They will never be compact, I fear. 

Seriously though, it felt good to look in the mirror and finally, finally, not see a XXL person. I just feel regular. Regular feels pretty good. 

So guess who's going to the gym after work tomorrow? I am. Seriously, ask me tomorrow night if I did it. I'm going to say yes. I'm packing my gym bag as soon as I finish this glass of wine. 

5 miles!

It has been a great, great weekend. I rolled myself out of bed yesterday morning for a Weight Watchers meeting. Lost 2 lbs. My grand total is 28 lbs since November. I'm so proud of that. I feel like I've found my groove to keep moving forward.

After that, I headed home for a little breakfast, ran back out for a couple of errands, and then to a 12:15 yoga class. We focused on balance, which was a very relevant theme for me. At the end of the class, we were doing like a three-minute shoulder stand, and the teacher turned on "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls, and tears came to my eyes, because you guys, I just really love that I'm doing yoga again and I REALLY love that song. It was a really nice class.

I had dinner and a beer with friends last night and that looked like this:

One glass of sangria and one beer only, because today I had a five mile mission. I was nervous but I knew I could do it. I downloaded Pitch Perfect on my phone to distract me, hopped on the treadmill, and I just powered through. Before I knew it, I was done.

I took a picture to commemorate the longest distance I've ever traveled on foot (well, on treadmill) to date:

Don't mind my face, I was actually SO THRILLED and felt completely victorious.

I spent the afternoon debating whether I would go back to yoga this evening, but I was really spent, and starving, and starting to get sore in my hammies already. So I didn't go. Instead I got some errands done- bought new pillows (mine were so lumpy), grocery shopped, did some laundry. Then, because I wanted to feel like a real live healthy living blogger, I went to Whole Foods for dinner. 

Looking forward to a busy week. I'm going to try, I mean really try, to get in a run at least one day after work. I really want to conquer my aversion to working out after work. If I can get one or two runs in that way, that will free me up to go to yoga classes during my time off. I've got clean sheets on my bed, a fridge full of healthy food, and I'm so ready to conquer the week. 

I really like everyone

I've had a bit of a rocky time adjusting to my new job. I started working at this hospital about 4 months ago, and I don't work on a specific unit, but I float to lots of different units. I hated it at first, then felt neutral about it, and now enjoy it most days. I think one of the reasons I hated it was that every moment of every day I'm way out of my comfort zone. I don't know my coworkers, I don't even know what unit I'll be on until I was in the elevator pressing the button for whatever floor I was assigned to. In the beginning, it was hard. I struggled. I had a bad attitude. Other nurses crossed me and I held grudges. I was anxious and bitter. I wanted to quit. One day, I made an error that someone else caught, and I spent alot of time beating myself up for it. I was miserable. 

A few weeks ago, I started thinking alot about my disappointment with the job and what I could do to fix it. I decided to work on unfailing positivism-  in other words, just shut the F up with my complaining. There were two items that were in my action plan.

In the mornings, I practice positivity by looking around at all of my coworkers, smiling as genuine a smile as I can muster, and saying (to myself): "I really like everyone I'm working with today!" No it's not always true- in fact, most of the time, I've never even met them before. But it sets the tone for a good day and helps me, if nothing else, to avoid taking out my frustration on my coworkers. 

I also ask myself regularly, "Do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet?" This is a line from a Brandi Carlisle song that is about (for me anyway) making amends for how your past mistakes have affected the ones you love. I listen to it alot, especially on the way to work, because that song understands me right now. That line is at the end of the song, and it tends to stay with me throughout the day because it sticks in my head. It's become sort of a mantra. 

It sounds cheesy, I know- affirmations and mantras. But let me tell you what it's done. In the past couple of weeks, charge nurses and coworkers have told me I've done a good job more frequently than ever before. People engage with me, patients express disappointment when my shift ends. People seem to like me more. And then I feel good. And then I do good. It's working, is what I'm saying. I'm going to keep doing it. 

Here's the song, it will help your heart if you let it.

And now for the topic of weight loss! I was working last Saturday so I didn't officially weigh in (I really only like the Saturday Weight Watchers meeting.) I'm expecting good news! I had a great on-track week.

This weekend, I'm planning to go to yoga tomorrow and maybe do a little cardio too. Sunday is long run day- omg5miles. I'm also hoping to hit 5pm yoga on Sunday to kick off my workweek. That means that I really have to reign in it tomorrow evening because I'm planning on dinner and drinks with a couple of girlfriends. The trick is going to be keeping the drinking to a minimum so I'm not too tired or too hungover for big workout fun on Sunday. 

When other people start to notice

Today I saw someone I haven't worked with for a couple of months. She looked at me like she wasn't sure who I was and then said, "wow, how much weight have you lost since the last time I saw you?!" It felt really good for someone I don't know very well to think it was notable enough to mention.
In other news, as I type this, there's a cake sitting in front of me. It smells delicious. I'm not eating any.

I really did it!

Two workouts in one day. I haven't done that since I was like 20...if ever. I feel so great.

First, a 45 minute run/walk in which I smoked my treadmill 5k time. It felt so good! I mean, I felt great throughout the entire workout. Strong and fast. I left with a smile on my face. Came home, showered, and decided to go looking for some new workout gear. I got myself a latte and perused the clearance rack at Old Navy (nothing good). When I got back in my car I started it up and saw this:

Oops, waited too long to get gas. I swear I had 30 miles till empty when I parked! I was definitely more than 0 miles from a gas station. I'm telling you, I almost pooped my pants. But I made it! I'll never push it that far again. Especially since my dad just stopped paying my AAA membership. 

Anyway, I spent the rest of the afternoon psyching myself up for yoga this evening. I'm going to be honest, I was scared. It had been four years since I had my butt on a mat and I had blown it up in my head to be this hard, scary thing. Then when I got to the studio every single lady had a lululemon logo somewhere on her body and I was like,  when did yoga become so status? I swear it wasn't like that before. But I walked myself into that studio in my TJ Maxx yoga capris and after the first "om" it didn't even matter because I was simulatenously overjoyed and pissed at myself for staying away so long. 

Something my sister says pretty frequently, a phrase which I have adopted and passed on to others, is "be brave." She says it to her two year old and she says it to me, probably in equal measure. We both need to be told. At the end of yoga, the teacher asked us to choose a quality or trait to put on and wear for the week. I chose, of course, bravery. It's kind of a theme right now. I'm really proud of how brave I was today. 

dammit dammit dammit

I had kind of a crap day in terms of eating. Everything was going great: I pre-planned and pre-tracked all my food. Had a good breakfast and was able to resist when one of my coworker brought in a big old box of Bojangle's chicken biscuits. Just as I cleared that road bump, a patient's family brought us a 3-lb box of handmade chocolates. I mean, I had to try one. I KNEW better, I KNEW that once I started I wouldn't stop, but I HAD to try one. And it was a chocolate covered toffee and those are my favorite and it was delicious. So I tried one more and by chance it was peanut butter, also my favorite. And then I tried another, a coconut, meh, so I needed one more to end with a good one, etc etc. I think I probably ate six. That was stupid. Lesson learned...question mark?
I beat myself up about it for the better part of the afternoon and then I came home and made a big bowl of sauteed vegetables and one single solitary weighed-out serving of whole grain pasta. Now I feel full and pretty good. Also, I had a tiny 7 oz Coors Light sort of as a joke but man, that tasted  better than I expected. I tracked it all. I'm moving forward.
The plan for tomorrow: early treadmill workout (and by "early" I mean whenever I wake up, sans alarm, because it's my day off). I'm going to try working out on an empty stomach and see if that alleviates the mid-run desire to barf. Then later I'm planning on hitting Sync Studio to check out their yoga situation. I haven't done yoga in years but I used to be able to handle some pretty legit chaturanga and I've been wanting to rediscover it. Will I really do a two-a-day tomorrow? It's unprecedented.

Unexpected workout, and other thoughts

I got sent home from work early today. I could only figure that it was the Universe's way of conspiring to get my butt on a treadmill. I complied, not even grudgingly. But once I got up and got going, I kept feeling nauseous/heartburny/burpy. This happens to me kind of alot- I have to slow down or stop before I'm really tired because I get this weird acidic reflux and nausea. Maybe I need to pay closer attention to what I'm eating beforehand? In today's case, I hadn't eaten or drank anything for three hours or so. Puzzling. And gross.

As for my week of Simply Filling, well, that didn't work so well and I'm back to counting points for now. I think it's dangerous for me to have free reign to eat "to satisfaction" because I'm not sure I know how to do that yet. I need limits and structure. Each of the two days I tried SF, I felt really binge-y. I'm not sure if eating the SF way triggered it or it was a coincidence, but I didn't want to stick around to find out. Too much at stake. I stayed right on target counting my points today, and that felt good.

I spent a super nice evening last night at a friend's apartment with some champagne cocktails and fajitas. It was so nice to spend some low-key girlfriend time. I've been thinking a bit about the whole "going out" ritual, getting dressed up and curling my hair and drinking overpriced wine, and what my reasons are for doing it weekend after weekend. Who am I dressing up for? Who am I trying so hard for? Myself, my girlfriends, the bartender? A stranger who might not exist? I've been getting dolled up and going to bars for the better part of 12 years (don't do the math) and I'm pretty exhausted. Exhausted by the fact that if I'm being honest, 99% of the time it was all in the hopes of "meeting someone." For as long as I can remember, most nights coming home from a bar where no one "noticed" me felt like a failure. And those nights were failures, because they were a waste of time. I'm always too busy scanning the bar for single men to really be present with my friends. I don't want to do it anymore. Yes, I like to be out on the town, trying new restaurants, enjoying a well crafted cocktail and soaking up the scene. But I hereby renounce the hope and expectation that anyone will NOTICE me doing it. Being single is a time for me to nurture the friendships that I hope to maintain for the rest of my life- that's how I want to spend time with friends, no matter what kind of activity we're doing. It's so much more important to me to be present in the relationships I already have than to let my heart and mind be preoccupied with a relationship that doesn't even exist.

In the Spirit of Valentine's Day

Yes, Valentine's Day is stupid/commercial/overhyped/created by Hallmark, etc. You already heard all of that and then some from your single friends on Facebook today. And you've also heard on facebook today that Valentine's Day, of course, isn't just about romantic love. That's true too. I spent most of the day today with my two little nephews, who will always be my Valentines, no matter what (fully grown) men enter and leave my life in the years to come. I won't ever love any man like I love those two little guys. It's also about the love of friends, and family, and friends who feel like family, and your family who are also your friends (hi sissy!).
But as long as we're on the subject of different kinds of love, I think I'd like to take a minute to love myself today. No, I don't have a boyfriend, nothing even close to it. No one bought me roses or chocolates today. But you can take all your roses and chocolates and throw them down a hole, because I wouldn't take all the chocolates in the world in exchange for the life I've built- for myself- since I've been single. Yes, I get lonely sometimes, but every day I like my own company more and more. Learning to love myself is the most valuable gift.

A progress picture: one year later

Last February, I spent the weekend in the mountains with the guy I was dating. Most of the pictures from that weekend are lost to me now, as they were mostly on his phone, but this close up of my face (left) really is one that I keep looking back at. My lips are smiling but my eyes are not, but look how dull my skin is, and my face is so bloated. You can't see, but I'm wearing a size XXL top and a size 18 jeans. The picture on the right was taken after my workout today- not retouched or instagrammed. This is all me, not even any makeup besides chapstick- so much brighter, don't you think? Not to mention it looks like I've lost about 15 lbs from my face alone.

I love looking at pictures like this and remembering how far I've come.

A little motivation

Mama Laughlin posted this today and it made me think. So many times I look around and resent all the skinny girls in their lululemon running fast on the treadmills while I shuffle along at 4.7 mph. But I have no idea where they've been or how far they've come or how hard it was for them when they started. And besides, there was a time when I was shuffling along at 3.8 mph, so look how far I've come already too.

Today, I choose to believe that all the people at the gym who are farther down the road on their fitness journey are looking back and waving and saying "great job! keep going!"

A week of Simply Filling

My mom was in town for a long weekend and we had such a great time eating, drinking, and shopping. We did some serious damage in all three areas, actually. Enough damage that my wallet is a little skinnier, and my waistline, well...let's just say I checked my bank balance but I didn't step on the scale.

To jump-start myself after a few days off the wagon, I'm going to use the Simply Filling plan until my next weigh in. If you've used Weight Watchers before you might remember this as the old Core plan. Basically, you eat any and all foods from the Power Foods list, in quantities limited only by your fullness or satisfaction. If you want to eat foods that aren't on the list, you have to use earned activity points or your allotted weekly points allowance. The Power Foods are most fruits and vegetables (yes to any kind of potato, no to avocados), most lean proteins, some whole grains, and fat-free dairy (none for me, thanks. ew.). I think a Simply Filling week will help me refocus; I've become really lazy about counting my points and I sometimes feel a little burnt out by all the meal planning, which has led me to make some poor choices. This way, I have a fridge stocked full of healthy food and I can eat a little more intuitively based on what's available to me. We'll see how it works. If it doesn't I can switch back over to good old point-counting at any time. According to my leader, you can switch back and forth every day if you want.

And, of course, I'll have my behind back in the gym tomorrow. I ended up getting sick as a dog last week- fevers at night, sweats and chills during the day, sore throat and massive congestion. It was ugly. I took an entire week off from working out and the hardest part of tomorrow will be walking through that gym door. But I will do it! Forty minute run/walk plus maybe some extra walking or stair climbing is on the menu. It's time to really crank it up at the gym. Like to the tune of maybe working out after work, at 8 p.m., at least one day a week. Because going to the gym after work is a mental challenge I haven't overcome, and I'd like to.

A few rotten days

It has not been a great week since I hit my 10% goal. First, I'm battling this steadily escalating sinus/cold/aches/chills thing. Feeling like trash means I haven't hit the gym since Sunday and I haven't been eating on plan- healthy food are so unappealing to me when I don't feel well. Yesterday I jumped at the chance for a last minute dinner with a friend I wanted to catch up with, and we had some sushi and wine- definitely not the worst choice I could have made, but not the greatest. I also have to admit that I wasn't as responsible with my grocery money as I could have been, and I didn't really have any grab-and-go choices for breakfasts and lunches in the fridge. It all added up to this: I caught myself today trying to justify skipping a weigh in on Saturday.

I like to think that this is all due to a perfect storm of stress and sickness but I can't help but wonder if this is my good old friend self-sabotage creeping in through the back door. This is a critical place I've reached: where I've had quantifiable success and I have to decide whether I'm going to strive for more or rest on my laurels.

I choose MORE.

The plan for tomorrow is oatmeal for breakfast, eggplant parmesan and turkey meatballs for lunch, and chicken noodle soup for dinner. I might get to the gym after work if I can breathe by then, even if just for a walk. I have to wake up tomorrow and choose to follow my plan. And for tonight, well, I'm staying out of the kitchen. In fact, I'm already tucked into bed. All is not lost; a good night's sleep and a good plan for tomorrow, and I'm feeling more in control already.

A little bit sick

I wend to bed last night with a little bit of a scratchy throat and woke up this morning with moderate congestion and a headache. This respiratory stuff has been going around for weeks and I know I'm surprised I avoided it this long. I don't feel too terrible, but I have such a hard time making healthy choices when I don't feel well. I just don't want a big plate of veggies when I feel sick. And lord knows I'll use any excuse not to go to the gym, and today "I don't feel good and I need to save my energy for three work days in a row" seems like an ironclad excuse. And yet I know that making excuses and justifying bad decisions is what go me here in the first place! I don't know why it sometimes feels like I can't get out of the self-sabotage cycle.

On my training plan today: Run 3/Walk 2, repeat x40 minutes. If I don't do it today, I'm going to have to do it after work tomorrow. I have never in history gone to the gym after work as I usually don't get off until 7:45 or so and rarely get home before 8 p.m. I also might feel worse tomorrow. Sigh...if only I spent the same energy on my workouts as I do anticipating them and feeling anxious about them.

13.1, Going on 30

There was a time in my life when I ran faithfully, if not quickly, several times a week. I looked forward to it, I loved it, I did it even when it hurt. I did it even though I was slow and felt hulky dragging myself (all 150 lbs of myself at that time, ha) up the hills of my neighborhood. At some point, I quit. I think it was the cold winter when I was living on my own in the midwest, a long dark winter of sadness where I could never seem to get out of my own way long enough to get my running shoes on. In the years since then, I've run a bit here and there, done a Couch to 5k every couple years, but never stuck with it like I used to in my early 20's. Once, when I was really getting into the swing of it again, I went for a run around my neighborhood and got followed by a creepy old man in tall socks, and after that I was afraid to run outside alone. I didn't run a step for a couple years at least.
Then, this summer, while I was working a long night shift, I started thinking about the sad state of my fitness. I hadn't yet begun my weight loss journey in earnest, but I could feel 30 closing in and was trying to think of something big to do to welcome my next decade. I don't know why I picked a half marathon. But the next thing I knew I was signing up for this race and asking my mom to come with me to cheer me on. She did me one better- my 57 year old mother, who had never run a step, signed up for the race too. I think she's doing it for the wine at the end. I think I might be doing it for the wine at the end too.
I'm not planning on running all 13.1 miles. With all the extra weight on me, I've had trouble with all the impact on my joints as I've been training. So I'm using the run-walk plan found here.


I get chills thinking about crossing that finish line.

4 miles

I run/walked 4 miles yesterday. This is the farthest recorded distance I have ever traveled on foot at one time. Well, if I can say "traveled" (it was on a treadmill). I dreaded this all week but I promised myself I was going to try, or die trying. For the first half, I listened to podcasts (love the Half Size Me podcast), and then when the going got tough I switched to music. And I just kept going and going. I like to picture treadmill runs in terms of running on a track, it helps me visualize how far I've come- so when I got to 3.75 miles, I got chills, and I told myself, "this is your victory lap!" I felt amazing when I finished.

I'm always totally floored by how quickly and easily I can prove myself wrong just by changing my thinking. I was positive I wouldn't be able to do this run without stopping to rest or walking through some of my run intervals. But less than an hour later, I was suddenly wrong. Because I believed I could do it! And I did do it! And this biggest mind-blower of all: in a few weeks, 4 miles will be no big thing.

The moral of the story is something I return to over and over: whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're right.

Foods That Help Me

I'm not big on following recipes, so you probably won't find too many of those here. I do want to share some foods that I buy or make time and time again that really help me stay on track. I am hugely sensitive to foods as triggers and I find that bad choices beget bad choices for me. The opposite is also true, fortunately. Here are some foods that have kept me in line.

Eggs. I love me a scrambled egg breakfast (or lunch or dinner). Having eggs in the morning is a good anchor for me. I like to do them in the microwave on the days I have to leave the house at 6:20 am: spritz a small bowl with cooking spray, add one egg, whisk it up, put it in the microwave. There's a learning curve here because the size and shape of your dish and the power of your microwave dictate the cooking time.  It takes mine about 45 for a wide, shallow dish in an old-ass microwave. Experiment.

Crystal Light lemonade. OK, say what you will about artificial sweeteners, but this and a very occasional Diet Coke or Starbucks Skinny Latte are the only fake stuff I indulge in. For some reason, though, Crystal Light lemonade really does the trick for me. I like it in the afternoon when my energy is flagging and I feel like the sourness gives me a boost. Placebo effect I'm sure, but at least I get some water in.

Healthy 8 pre-cut veggie mix from Trader Joe's. This is carrots, radishes, jicama, broccoli, peppers, and some other stuff all diced up small. I saute it, sometimes with half a chicken sausage link, to have with an egg for breakfast (or lunch or dinner). Something about it tastes buttery and delicious. I pretend it's home fries.

Cheese. The real stuff or sometimes Laughing Cow or similar. Never underestimate the cheese and cracker snack, expecially when there are some Points+ BARGAINS in the cracker department: four saltines for a point, AkMak crackers are 3 big ones for a point.

Bananas. I have a hard time staying on the fresh fruit wagon, but they're always palatable, no matter what the season, and they're dirt cheap. Adding a banana to any grab-and-go meal makes it feel heftier. A skim latte and a banana is a good snack when you're running around hitting sale racks on a Saturday afternoon.

Soup. OMG soup. There are alot of soups you can have a huge portion of for not many points. My fave: chicken broth in which you simmer two TJ's turkey meatballs, two tablespoons (dry) TJ's Harvest Grain mix (couscous, orzo, quinoa blend), and a handful of greens like kale, chard, or spinach. Huge serving, five points. Also, Campbell's has an all-natural butternut squash soup that I like to heat up with a sliced chicken sausage link. Whole can + one sausage= 9 points, but half of this is a good lunch with a veggie on the side.

TJ's frozen Grilled Eggplant Parmesan. It's seven points for the whole thing but I like to eat half with a turkey meatball or two on the side.


That's just a little glimpse into the things I buy again and again. Tell me what foods work for you!

Major Milestone

Something important happened yesterday. I reached my 10% goal at Weight Watchers, which happened to coincide with my -25 pound milestone. So I got the 10% keychain and the 25 lb charm. It felt, in a word, amazing.

Sometimes when you reach these milestones, the leader asks you to share some secrets of your success with the other people at the meeting. Well, the leader instead asked me how I felt, to which I replied "100% better than the first time I walked in here," but because I knew she might ask, I had been thinking about the secrets to my success.

The biggest secret, and one of the things that has made weight loss "click" for me this time around, is simply choosing to believe that people around you are going to be supportive of your efforts. In the past, I had more or less kept weight loss attempts a secret from friends and even my family. Even if I did tell them, if they forgot I was trying to "be good" and suggested we, for instance, go grab a burger, I would sigh and go along, and think to myself, "I might as well just ruin myself, it's impossible to do this if no one is willing to support me." I just assumed that they were either trying to sabotage me on purpose or didn't care enough about me to remember that I was trying to make healthier choices. Then I would feel angry and resentful, and those feelings affected my food choices (side of mayonnaise to dip my large order of fries? yes please!) I never spoke up because was much easier to just let them enable me. Plus, let's be honest, I probably just wanted an excuse to eat the burger. This time I chose to really stand up for myself, advocate for my own success, and choose to believe that they are neither annoyed nor inconvenienced by my choices. And what do you think has happened? Friends and family have not only been accomodating of my need to make healthier choices, but they've started to choose healthier meals and activities when we spend time together before I even have the chance to remind them.

Another reason I never asked for or expected support was because I felt shame about needing to lose weight. My mother and my sister are both thin and gorgeous, and even though they've both struggled with their weight at times, they've mostly (in my estimation, at least) come out on top. And my friends, well...for some reason or another I always tend to surround myself with slim, fit, beautiful girls who make it all look effortless. But even those girls, if I'm being honest with myself, WORK for it: my mom, my sister, all the fabulous girls I hang out with, they have gym memberships, run marathons, do triathlons, hit up barre classes and yoga for fun on the weekends, hit the treadmill after a long day of work, and are usually conscious about what they eat. Some of them are, perhaps, naturally thinner than I am, but the point is that they still put in the effort. I have no reason to believe they would have anything but love and encouragement for me if I admitted I was trying to do the same. Which is exactly what has happened over these past few months: they've been nothing but supportive and nonjudgmental.

So back to the 10% key chain  With all these things in mind, I decided to go really public with yesterday's milestone: I posted this picture on facebook, with a caption explaining what it signifies (though I didn't specify actual numbers).

I was nervous about putting this out there for all my ex-boyfriends and frenemies to see, but you know what? I got more "likes" for this photo than almost anything else I've ever posted, and lots of them from people I wouldn't have expected to pay one bit of attention. 

And that, my friends, is what solidified my decision to start this blog. To share my struggles with people who might feel encouraged, but more than that, to call in the love and support of the Universe at large and I trudge forward on this journey. Because I can't do it alone. 

Too Much Britt

Hello! Welcome, friends, to Too Much Britt. Come read about my life as a twenty-something single girl looking for balance in a world of too much food, too much temptation, too much to drink, too much to do, too much to think about...and trying to fix the problem of too much ME. I started my weight loss journey at 236 pounds (though that wasn't my all-time high), I've lost 26 of them and I've got at least 55 more to go. I won't always be perfect, but I will be real. I think you're going to like it.