Sunday night, minus the angst

After Friday evening's post about my sads, I went to bed early and tried to shake it off.

Yesterday I went to yoga, as usual on a Saturday, and the instructor asked me if I had any requests for the class. I said, "anything that will distract me from the outside world." He asked what was up and I told him that I had been contemplating my very mixed feelings about turning 30. What struck me most was that almost before I could get the words "I'm turning 30" out of my mouth, he cut me off with a huge "Congratulations!" I loved that he reacted as though this were a victory and not something to dread. He told me that in his work with the elderly, he has asked them what age they'd like to revisit. "They never say '29,'" he told me. When class started, I focused on my usual intention ("be brave") but it had a different meaning this time. Bravely facing a new decade. Bravely stepping out of my 20's. Bravely admitting that most of my 20's were not actually the best. After class, a woman I hadn't realized was listening to my conversation with the instructor sought me out. "You're going to love your 30's," she said. "I'm two years in, and it just gets better and better. You're going to love it." And then I got in my car and cried a little, not out of fear or sadness, but because these people were so kind to reassure a total stranger, and because I believed them! My 30's are going to be the best, bravest years yet. When I think about the progress I have made from just one year ago, I can only believe it's going to be an upswing from this point forward. It's such a total relief to feel my energy shift from negative to positive on this.

Unfortunately, a miscommunication with friends meant that my plans for Saturday evening were not what I intended, which was disappointing. But I probably needed a day to be a little bit still, and take it moment by moment. I met my sister and her husband and boys for a few beers at one of Durham's institutions, Fullsteam Brewery, which is sort of a bar/town square/meeting place for all sorts of people and activities. It was a warm and breezy day and all the doors were open, and we had a nice time catching up and tasting pretty much every beer. At the end of the day, I realized it had turned out to be what I might have listed as my ideal day: weight watchers meeting, coffee, a bit of shopping, yoga, beers with people I love, two (2!) meals from Whole Foods hot bar, and a good movie (please see this with an open mind). I went to bed without setting an alarm. A perfect day.

Today, St Patrick's day, is always a bit of a day of reflection for me. It's hard to believe it's been five years since my crazy old grandma died, an event which affected me greatly and set alot of positive things into motion for me. She and I had a complicated relationship, but I hope she'd be proud of me today, even though the only three things she ever wanted for me were a clear complexion, and slim physique, and a good man. I'm working on it, Grandma, I promise.