Weekend in review

This was a weekend full of highs and lows. Last week I had an excellent week at work- let's just say I was a total hit with managers and coworkers alike, and I suddenly remembered why I love doing this job. I was just getting ready to wrap up my week on Friday evening and head over to a friend's house for some wine when I got an email informing me that I had been placed on the waitlist for the master's program I applied to. This was a huge shock, considering I'd been admitted to the same program once before- I declined because I wasn't emotionally or professionally ready to begin, and I had more important life work to do (though I didn't know that part until later). Instead of allowing me to defer my admission, I was required to re-apply for this year, but I honestly still thought it was in the bag. I guess I was wrong. Yes, I may still be admitted and all is not lost, but it was such a blow to my ego. With my 30th birthday looming, I feel like I just don't have any wiggle room in terms of the timing of my plans, and it's so disappointing to suddenly realize that your perfect plan isn't necessarily in your control anymore.

I was so glad I had already decided to stop by my friend Kaitlyn's house on my way home because I needed some girl time and some distraction. She happened to be in the midst of baking a beautiful cake for a wedding, so I helped her a tiny bit in the kitchen but mostly watched and chatted and ate delicious cake trimmings. As you can see, she's incredibly talented.

The company and the white noise from the KitchenAid were soothing, but I still felt so bummed. Still, I have to give myself credit- what I really wanted to do was buy myself a bunch of stuff at Target and then eat my feelings while conducting a review of my purchases. I didn't do that. That was a victory.

More victory on Saturday morning when my weigh-in was a big fat -3.4 lbs, bringing my grand total to  -31.4 lbs on Weight Watchers and -38.6 lbs total. This is a huge thing to be proud of, and I am. I marched myself right over to Kohl's, where I bought a couple of new workout tops as a little pick-me-up, and then to yoga. I felt great while I was on the mat, and made some more big strides towards headstand...but then when I got back out in the daylight, I had a hard time keeping the "om," and I just felt angsty all over again. A beer with friends helped a little, but I woke up this morning still feeling pretty disillusioned. At this point I  had to question myself- was I still upset about the waitlist situation? Was it more than that? Was it nothing? I couldn't even tell. I couldn't get out of my own way.

So I was not in a very good headspace for the 6-mile run/walk that was on the schedule today. Furthermore, I had decided today was the day to take my show on the road- literally run outside. I was going to do two laps on a hilly three-mile loop. The first lap was tough, I probably didn't pace myself well and I wasn't used to the hills. It was my first time running outside in years, I rationalized, and the longest distance I had run ever, and I shouldn't expect myself to make so many big jumps in one day, etc, and so I was all set to give myself a pass and just...well, let's call it what it is...QUIT. But then I didn't. I just kept going. And I finished. When it was all said and done, I was a little disappointed that I didn't manage all the intervals- I had to walk through some of them. But I finished.

What I really wanted after all of that was a shamrock shake, but then I thought back to the last time I had one. A time in my life when I would order milkshakes with abandon for no real reason- like, say, to keep me company in Wal-mart. And I remembered that at that time in my life, I looked like this:

So instead I had a tiny portion of frozen yogurt with crushed pretzels and a tiny drizzle of peanut butter topping and hot fudge  (you know it was tiny if it only cost $2.50 at the by-the-ounce place). 

Still not a healthy treat, but I felt much more in control than I would have with a 560 calorie cup of minty HFCS and a straw.

I did feel a little more relaxed after my victorious workout and my little treat. I'm still a little bit angsty but I think it's just the normal Sunday night kind. A bit of cruel irony is that I signed up for overtime this week and next week so that I could pay the deposit when I was admitted to the master's program- so now I have two grueling weeks coming up with no purpose- or at least, their purpose is in limbo for the moment.

At the end of a emotional few days, more than anything I am thankful for my family and my friends, the people who love me and encourage me and hold me up, no matter what kind of significant or insignificant shit I'm going through. My favorite mantra, "be brave," has been more useful than ever this weekend- standing on my head, completing that second lap, looking into the future towards 30 with no concrete idea what's next. The people who love me and big dose of bravery are all I have to get me through, and you know what? It's enough.