Lazy days and loving myself

Today I had a lazy day off. I didn't necessarily plan it that way- it was more of a bi-product of an extended sushi and wine date with my girlfriends last night. Blame it on my healthier lifestyle, my decreasing body weight, or my advancing age- I cannot put away a bottle of wine like I used to and I was feeling the effects this morning. I slept as late as I felt like sleeping and then once I finally got out of my pj's around 1 p.m., I headed to the trail for a brisk three miles. I like running that same trail a couple times a week because I can see progress in how long it takes me from start to finish- today was my best time yet, even with a hangover!

I also ran some errands, namely picking up some deodorant because I was fresh out - I ran without it! If you've known me for any length of time you know that I am a bit of a sweater and somehow my armpit sweat resists most deodorant- like, even if the antiperspirant properties work, what little sweat is produced still smells. Gross, right? I know. Thankfully, it was cold and windy enough that there wasn't much sweating and it evaporated immediately. The bad news, though, is that the one deodorant that I've repeat-bought for the last several months because somehow it totally agrees with my body chemistry doesn't exist at Target anymore and maybe doesn't exist at all. Dammit. So I'm trying a new one and I'm nervous. 

I spent a few more hours just dicking around, catching up on blog reading, showering and applying aforementioned deodorant, etc. This evening I tried yoga with a new instructor even though it's no secret that I have a giant man-crush on the instructor whose class I usually go to. This class was awesome though- it was a basics class and there were alot of true beginners there who inspired me with their bravery. The teacher was very gentle but also encouraging, and I liked her style alot, plus she played an eclectic mix of music that made me smile. I'm a big believer in smiling occasionally while you exercise, even if you have to make yourself do it. It gives you a burst of energy, I promise. Try it. 

When I got home I got to thinking how funny it is that my "lazy day off" involved not one but two forms of exercise. I used to struggle with what the hell to do with myself on my days off, and I suffered a fair bit of guilt over usually doing nothing at all. I might spend an entire day and reading blogs on the couch, eating snacks, maybe some light shopping or a movie (with popcorn!) if I needed to get out of the house. I'm not saying I don't still spend plenty of QT with the couch or that I'll never eat movie popcorn again, but I'm so pleased that I seem to have finally made an enjoyable routine out of exercise. Yes, I still struggle with getting out the door, but re-discovering two activities I once loved- running and yoga- has brought so much pleasure and satisfaction to my leisure time. I'm thankful that I have the leisure time to pursue this stuff, and to really work on me. 

I did some reflecting about the concept of "me-time" today, sparked by a conversation I had with my friends last night (well, one of them- the other one was exhausted from too much work and too much wine and snoozed on my couch while we talked until 1 in the morning). I was talking about feeling frustrated that I just haven't really met any single men around here, the same old song and dance about why aren't there any good men out there, etc. My friend told me that if I felt that way, I needed to "put myself out there," the same old song and dance about internet dating, trying new activities, joining a sports league, etc etc. The things that people in relationships tell you to do, the conversation that usually includes the phrase "it happens when you least expect it." Kill me. I never want to hear that phrase again (though my friend, to her credit, didn't say it). Anyway, I found myself getting defensive, and telling her that I don't want to join a kickball team or a club or sign up for eharmony. I just don't want to, and I don't want to have to, and I just want someone to notice me and appreciate me and love me for the independent and self-sufficient person that I am. And she basically told me that I was being ridiculous because if I really wanted a relationship I would be willing to go out of my way to find one and then change my own life to make it work. And I was offended. Bend over backwards to find a man and then change my life for him? No. That's crazy. I'm more modern than that. I like my life the way it is. And my friend, and this is why I love her, told me that if I wasn't willing to do that then I probably didn't actually want to be in a relationship and wasn't ready for it anyway,  and I should stop whining about it and just live my life. 

She is so right. 

Yes, of course I want to feel appreciated and loved and validated. I want to feel that I'm attractive to strangers and potential partners, like someone could just organically see something in me that's worth falling in love with. I haven't felt that way in so long. But the thing is that everyone wants that- married, single, gay, straight, old, young. It doesn't make me special or romantic or needy or pathetic. It just makes me human. And it doesn't preclude me from doing the things that do make me worthy of love and validation, the things that I enjoy and that make me feel (and look!) attractive to myself and to men. And if I'm not at a point where I want to join an f'ing kickball team to meet some duders, that is OK! It doesn't mean I'm not trying hard enough. It just means I'm enjoying my life the way it is, and I have other priorities- namely, ME.