Unexpected workout, and other thoughts

I got sent home from work early today. I could only figure that it was the Universe's way of conspiring to get my butt on a treadmill. I complied, not even grudgingly. But once I got up and got going, I kept feeling nauseous/heartburny/burpy. This happens to me kind of alot- I have to slow down or stop before I'm really tired because I get this weird acidic reflux and nausea. Maybe I need to pay closer attention to what I'm eating beforehand? In today's case, I hadn't eaten or drank anything for three hours or so. Puzzling. And gross.

As for my week of Simply Filling, well, that didn't work so well and I'm back to counting points for now. I think it's dangerous for me to have free reign to eat "to satisfaction" because I'm not sure I know how to do that yet. I need limits and structure. Each of the two days I tried SF, I felt really binge-y. I'm not sure if eating the SF way triggered it or it was a coincidence, but I didn't want to stick around to find out. Too much at stake. I stayed right on target counting my points today, and that felt good.

I spent a super nice evening last night at a friend's apartment with some champagne cocktails and fajitas. It was so nice to spend some low-key girlfriend time. I've been thinking a bit about the whole "going out" ritual, getting dressed up and curling my hair and drinking overpriced wine, and what my reasons are for doing it weekend after weekend. Who am I dressing up for? Who am I trying so hard for? Myself, my girlfriends, the bartender? A stranger who might not exist? I've been getting dolled up and going to bars for the better part of 12 years (don't do the math) and I'm pretty exhausted. Exhausted by the fact that if I'm being honest, 99% of the time it was all in the hopes of "meeting someone." For as long as I can remember, most nights coming home from a bar where no one "noticed" me felt like a failure. And those nights were failures, because they were a waste of time. I'm always too busy scanning the bar for single men to really be present with my friends. I don't want to do it anymore. Yes, I like to be out on the town, trying new restaurants, enjoying a well crafted cocktail and soaking up the scene. But I hereby renounce the hope and expectation that anyone will NOTICE me doing it. Being single is a time for me to nurture the friendships that I hope to maintain for the rest of my life- that's how I want to spend time with friends, no matter what kind of activity we're doing. It's so much more important to me to be present in the relationships I already have than to let my heart and mind be preoccupied with a relationship that doesn't even exist.