Weekend news

So for starters, my weigh in on Saturday was NOT good news. I stayed the same. No loss, no gain. It could be worse, I know. On my sister's advice, I re-read my blog entry from Friday about how confident I was that if my weight didn't change it was for some silly reason. The reason was this:

Sushi dinner with a friend on Friday night. The cruel irony was that I rarely use soy sauce, but for some reason it just sounded so good that time...I tried to keep it to a minimum but after the sodium + wine bolus, there was no hope for the scale. I shook it off. Better luck next time. 

I spent the rest of the weekend with my family. I feel like I've gotten to spend a ton of time with my parents this winter and I'm super thankful for that. I know they really come just to see the grandsons, but I'm glad I get to be a part of it too. :) 

Tomorrow is a day off and I have big plans. A run, a yoga class, clean up my mother f'n pigsty of a bedroom, aaaaaand get a haircut. Right now I have this super weird long mop that hasn't been cut since October [real time photo taken just this minute]:

I'm hoping I can keep the length, lose the split ends, and maybe come away with an actual style...too much to ask, do you think? After pictures tomorrow...

Legit chest sweat

I haven't done much today besides knock out 4 miles on the treadmill. I guess I better come clean about how ridiculously slow I am: running and walking, my pace averaged about 13:30. I'm not ashamed of that. I'm just starting out, I'm still carrying alot of extra bodyweight, and running is hard. A mile's a mile. Slow is the new fast. Etc. When I was done, I had some crazy chest sweat:

The chest sweat made me feel LEGIT until it occurred to be that maybe it's gross and I should feel embarrassed? 

This picture is a good example of something I'm noticing lately. When I was at my heaviest, it's striking in pictures how much smaller my eyes and smile looked, because my cheeks and chins were crowding my features. One of my weight loss turning points was realizing that not even my face was pretty anymore. That was when I started hiding from cameras. It's why there are almost no pictures of me on facebook, not even just my face, from the year 2012. But now my face is starting to look proportional again. I used to joke that the reason I don't have any wrinkles is because I have a layer of subcutaneous fat. Sometimes I wonder if I'll start to age when my face starts to thin down. But then I remember I'd rather be wrinkled than fat. 

I'm weighing in tomorrow and there's no reason it shouldn't be good news, unless my hard workouts and sore muscles this week cause me to retain a little water. Either way I won't be upset because I know I've done great this week and if I go up or stay the same, it'll just be for some silly reason. If I keep doing what I'm supposed to be doing, it will all come out right in the end. 

Dirty mirror progress pics

I like to take pictures of myself. Go ahead, look at the camera roll on my phone, you'll see. It's not really a vanity thing. It's because, no matter what my weight at any given time, I just don't have a clear sense of what my body looks like. I never have. That might be part of why I let myself get so overweight in the first place- I just don't have a good concept of my own body. Also, I tend to gain weight first and lose it last in my lower body- the part you don't necessarily see in your routine bathroom mirror situation. Anyway, the mirror pictures help me understand what I really look like to other people, though of course sometimes that's good news and sometimes it's bad news. Today I bring you some of these pictures, if you'll kindly excuse the dirty full length mirror and bad lighting.

On the left is a picture of me from this past summer, I think that was in July or August, and I had just woken up and was on my way to the gym. I was living in a hotel room, working nights as a travel nurse, going through a weird breakup, and it showed all over my face and body. My posture, my facial expression...the best word to describe that era of my life was and always will be "miserable."

On the right, me on my way to the gym this morning, six months or so later. Similar outfit, similar time of day. But SO DIFFERENT. Not even the weight, which is about a 30 pound difference, but the whole presence. Totally different. I didn't even take this picture with the intention of putting it alongside the first one- it was just a routine mirror picture as I headed out the door. But the difference blows my mind. And I got my waist back, it seems. Hooray!

In the weight department this week, I'm happy to report that my naked first-thing-in-the-morning weight is dangerously close to being under 200. The last time I remember being under 200 was about 2 years ago...one of the last times I weighed myself before I started avoiding the scale and really letting things get out of control. I can't wait to see a number starting with "1" on the scale. I don't know what I'll do. Cry, maybe. Tears of joy.

So come on, ask me

Ask me if I went to the gym after work. I'll tell you the truth: no I did not. I have no excuses, just that I thought better of it. I'm still excited to conquer working out after work but I think it's smartest to do it on a day when I don't have to go back to work the next morning. For sleep's sake.

The good news is that I earned three activity points just running my butt around at work today. This day was a real shit sandwich. A day where I really kind of wanted to rise above, be the bigger person, take the high road, etc., but also I really wanted to punch someone (hey, hold out your face). It was just one thing after another, nothing that I can particularly blame anyone for, which sometimes makes it worse. Even as I sit here now I'm hearing phantom call bells and IV pumps beeping in the back of my head.

My eating was a little weird today. I ate alot of points but nothing felt satisfying, even though there were lots of power foods in the mix. I think it might have been because I ate a frozen meal for lunch. I rely on them on workdays because I'm just not good at planning ahead. Some of them really have no substance. I wish I could execute a plan to have healthy, filling leftovers for lunch on work days. Maybe someday I'll be that self-actualized.

I'm determined that tomorrow will be a better day and that I WILL find myself on the treadmill at this time tomorrow night. One thing that should help: my skinny scrubs are in the wash and will be ready for wearing.

A moderately attractive human.

Good news, you guys. Today, for the first day in oh, say, maybe a year or maybe more, I felt like a normal-sized, moderately-attractive human. It was partly because I finally bought a pair (why did I only buy one pair?) of scrubs that fit properly. And it should be noted that I didn't realize how BIG my size XXL scrubs were on me (and how big a size XXL is in general) until I tried on a size XL and they were still too big and then I tried on a size L and they fit...

So I didn't feel dumpy and frumpy at work like usual. It put an extra spring in my step. Even in scrubs with my hair in a bun, I felt reasonable pretty. It was hard to believe. 

I know with my logical brain that I've lost all this weight but I didn't really feel all that much smaller. Until the past week or so when I've just...shrank. Like the inches caught up with the pounds. Everything is suddenly a little bit tighter and more compact. Well, except my boobs. They will never be compact, I fear. 

Seriously though, it felt good to look in the mirror and finally, finally, not see a XXL person. I just feel regular. Regular feels pretty good. 

So guess who's going to the gym after work tomorrow? I am. Seriously, ask me tomorrow night if I did it. I'm going to say yes. I'm packing my gym bag as soon as I finish this glass of wine. 

5 miles!

It has been a great, great weekend. I rolled myself out of bed yesterday morning for a Weight Watchers meeting. Lost 2 lbs. My grand total is 28 lbs since November. I'm so proud of that. I feel like I've found my groove to keep moving forward.

After that, I headed home for a little breakfast, ran back out for a couple of errands, and then to a 12:15 yoga class. We focused on balance, which was a very relevant theme for me. At the end of the class, we were doing like a three-minute shoulder stand, and the teacher turned on "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls, and tears came to my eyes, because you guys, I just really love that I'm doing yoga again and I REALLY love that song. It was a really nice class.

I had dinner and a beer with friends last night and that looked like this:

One glass of sangria and one beer only, because today I had a five mile mission. I was nervous but I knew I could do it. I downloaded Pitch Perfect on my phone to distract me, hopped on the treadmill, and I just powered through. Before I knew it, I was done.

I took a picture to commemorate the longest distance I've ever traveled on foot (well, on treadmill) to date:

Don't mind my face, I was actually SO THRILLED and felt completely victorious.

I spent the afternoon debating whether I would go back to yoga this evening, but I was really spent, and starving, and starting to get sore in my hammies already. So I didn't go. Instead I got some errands done- bought new pillows (mine were so lumpy), grocery shopped, did some laundry. Then, because I wanted to feel like a real live healthy living blogger, I went to Whole Foods for dinner. 

Looking forward to a busy week. I'm going to try, I mean really try, to get in a run at least one day after work. I really want to conquer my aversion to working out after work. If I can get one or two runs in that way, that will free me up to go to yoga classes during my time off. I've got clean sheets on my bed, a fridge full of healthy food, and I'm so ready to conquer the week. 

I really like everyone

I've had a bit of a rocky time adjusting to my new job. I started working at this hospital about 4 months ago, and I don't work on a specific unit, but I float to lots of different units. I hated it at first, then felt neutral about it, and now enjoy it most days. I think one of the reasons I hated it was that every moment of every day I'm way out of my comfort zone. I don't know my coworkers, I don't even know what unit I'll be on until I was in the elevator pressing the button for whatever floor I was assigned to. In the beginning, it was hard. I struggled. I had a bad attitude. Other nurses crossed me and I held grudges. I was anxious and bitter. I wanted to quit. One day, I made an error that someone else caught, and I spent alot of time beating myself up for it. I was miserable. 

A few weeks ago, I started thinking alot about my disappointment with the job and what I could do to fix it. I decided to work on unfailing positivism-  in other words, just shut the F up with my complaining. There were two items that were in my action plan.

In the mornings, I practice positivity by looking around at all of my coworkers, smiling as genuine a smile as I can muster, and saying (to myself): "I really like everyone I'm working with today!" No it's not always true- in fact, most of the time, I've never even met them before. But it sets the tone for a good day and helps me, if nothing else, to avoid taking out my frustration on my coworkers. 

I also ask myself regularly, "Do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet?" This is a line from a Brandi Carlisle song that is about (for me anyway) making amends for how your past mistakes have affected the ones you love. I listen to it alot, especially on the way to work, because that song understands me right now. That line is at the end of the song, and it tends to stay with me throughout the day because it sticks in my head. It's become sort of a mantra. 

It sounds cheesy, I know- affirmations and mantras. But let me tell you what it's done. In the past couple of weeks, charge nurses and coworkers have told me I've done a good job more frequently than ever before. People engage with me, patients express disappointment when my shift ends. People seem to like me more. And then I feel good. And then I do good. It's working, is what I'm saying. I'm going to keep doing it. 

Here's the song, it will help your heart if you let it.

And now for the topic of weight loss! I was working last Saturday so I didn't officially weigh in (I really only like the Saturday Weight Watchers meeting.) I'm expecting good news! I had a great on-track week.

This weekend, I'm planning to go to yoga tomorrow and maybe do a little cardio too. Sunday is long run day- omg5miles. I'm also hoping to hit 5pm yoga on Sunday to kick off my workweek. That means that I really have to reign in it tomorrow evening because I'm planning on dinner and drinks with a couple of girlfriends. The trick is going to be keeping the drinking to a minimum so I'm not too tired or too hungover for big workout fun on Sunday.